Permeating Evil
Sitting in dispatch today thinking about the people our officers have to deal with sometimes and knowing how it can affect them.
I worked as a Crime Scene Investigator for about 2 years and came face-to-face with the evils all around us that blindly occur without us realizing. Being a CSI was exciting at first but is nowhere as glamorized as all of the shows make it seem. The key elements missing from the media are the smells and emotions which accompany every scene. Taking pictures of the insides of people's bodies, arriving at a scene moments after something horrible has occurred, talking with young children who should never have to deal with what they were. These are the things that soon became my life, permeated my being, seeped into my dreams and every waking thought. It tears you down, slowly eroding your thoughts and views of people and the world. It happened slowly, never manifesting itself in a noticeable fashion.
I never realized the impact of cuddling with my son or daughter at home and than getting paged to a crime scene involving children. I kept cool and professional, performing my duties and doing it well. The science of forensics had its hook in me and I was unwilling to see the impact 'evil' was having on my life. Finally, an important event happened and I almost lost the things most important to me: my family. This woke me up and I began to see the world more clearly and my place in it. I realized I was being swallowed by this evil and it had changed me from my core to something else. I didn't like it, I didn't want it. Instead of trying to work through it and deal with the evil I chose to simply remove myself from the disease, cleanse myself, and breath some new air.
I took drastic steps. Instead of taking advantage of employee benefits, counselling or such, I just decided to quit my job and start anew. I went back to school, got my degree, and started life fresh again, let's hope its the last 'fresh start'. I still have lingering elements from that job: occasional nightmares and a major distrust and dislike of people in general. So I live in a bubble, my friends are my family. Put me with lots of people and I become very uncomfortable. I love my space and love where I live for that space. My little piece of heavan on earth. Change your attitude and you can change anything. Mental Alchemy.
Proof is seeing how differently my kids are being raised compared to my upbringing. Both environmental factors as well as parenting have made them awesome kids, more than I deserve (as my Mom always says "revenge for what you put me through"). Good, clean, simple living...keep the masses away!
I worked as a Crime Scene Investigator for about 2 years and came face-to-face with the evils all around us that blindly occur without us realizing. Being a CSI was exciting at first but is nowhere as glamorized as all of the shows make it seem. The key elements missing from the media are the smells and emotions which accompany every scene. Taking pictures of the insides of people's bodies, arriving at a scene moments after something horrible has occurred, talking with young children who should never have to deal with what they were. These are the things that soon became my life, permeated my being, seeped into my dreams and every waking thought. It tears you down, slowly eroding your thoughts and views of people and the world. It happened slowly, never manifesting itself in a noticeable fashion.
I never realized the impact of cuddling with my son or daughter at home and than getting paged to a crime scene involving children. I kept cool and professional, performing my duties and doing it well. The science of forensics had its hook in me and I was unwilling to see the impact 'evil' was having on my life. Finally, an important event happened and I almost lost the things most important to me: my family. This woke me up and I began to see the world more clearly and my place in it. I realized I was being swallowed by this evil and it had changed me from my core to something else. I didn't like it, I didn't want it. Instead of trying to work through it and deal with the evil I chose to simply remove myself from the disease, cleanse myself, and breath some new air.
I took drastic steps. Instead of taking advantage of employee benefits, counselling or such, I just decided to quit my job and start anew. I went back to school, got my degree, and started life fresh again, let's hope its the last 'fresh start'. I still have lingering elements from that job: occasional nightmares and a major distrust and dislike of people in general. So I live in a bubble, my friends are my family. Put me with lots of people and I become very uncomfortable. I love my space and love where I live for that space. My little piece of heavan on earth. Change your attitude and you can change anything. Mental Alchemy.
Proof is seeing how differently my kids are being raised compared to my upbringing. Both environmental factors as well as parenting have made them awesome kids, more than I deserve (as my Mom always says "revenge for what you put me through"). Good, clean, simple living...keep the masses away!
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